My dear Friend Coral sent this to me today...I had no idea. My counter at the bottom of this page doesn't count the days...I have to figure out if I can adjust this...]
In 100 days you, Marla Bronstein, will be 50 years old! Woo hoo!!
love, Coral
xoxoxo
Complete the task.....
How Many Words Can You Find? See how many words you make using the letters in "One Hundred Days"
One Hundred Days
Friday, July 27, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Second in 24
Here's the second script...This was more difficult, I had had only 4 hours of sleep, and panicked at 3am when I only had three minutes of staged writing...
It went over very well..I was completely exhausted at the end, but very gratified that I had succeeded...
JAZ: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Sparky Finn
Laurie Hart
John Romero
Diane Carsten
Margaret Nel
Robert Klein
Evelyn Polinder
Gene Dunlap
Fred Bannister
Gene Tucker
Grandma Rose
Debbie Tran
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
(RACHEL APPEARING TO HAVE JUST HAD MEDICAL EXAM-CHRIS IN DR. COAT)
RACHEL: I just turned 16. Some people say I look older, some say I look younger. I think it depends on what I’m wearing and if I have makeup on. I just got my driver’s license. Really, I’ll show you. It’s not even the permanent one, it’s that funky black and white one you get while they check to see if you have a criminal record. I guess they also use it to register you for jury duty. I guess that’s if you’re over 18. I’d love to do jury duty, it seems so cool to sit there and listen to people’s stories, and then decide if they’re guilty or innocent, or if they were wronged in some way by the “other guy.” I totally believe in justice. Like if you do something wrong, there has to be a consequence, and if you do good things, then your life is rewarded.
No, I’m not getting all religious on you. I just try to live honestly and ethically, and have faith that I’m living a good life.
Why did I come in? My mom. Ugh. I have all these bruises on my arms and on my calves. I don’t know exactly when they happened, but I told her they were from soccer, but she made me come in anyway, just to get checked out. (CHRIS PUTS HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER, HOLD A BEAT)
I’m sorry what?. (LIGHTS OUT ON RACHEL)
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Lauren Strom
Russ Hardman
Dana Gustafson
Jim Smith
Karen Jackson
Diane Beld
Mary Lund
Ray Barton
Larry Johnson
Darlene Erickson
Virgil Allen
Ronald J. Taylor
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
ZOE: (WITH HANDHELD MIC-DOES NOT HAVE TO BE FUNCTIONAL..AS IF DOING STANDUP COMEDY) Cancer sucks; let’s just get that out of the way. I’d like to kick Cancer in the Ass. I would like to fuck it up. I’ve never fucked up anything before, so I really think that would be cool. Oh wait, I fucked up a Spanish test last year. But it was stupid. It was about sports vocabulary, and I really don’t care about sports. I like to make people laugh. It feels good to laugh, don’t you think. Try it. No really, like this. (laughs, encourages audience to laugh too.-cuts them off) See, feel better? Or do you feel stupid? I’m sorry, what? That’s ok mister, you did look stupid, but that lady over here was watching you, and it made her laugh.
See, that’s the beauty of laughter. It’s healing. So I decided to get cancer before it gets me. See, I just found out that because there is cancer on both sides of my family, it increases my chances of getting it. I got my dad’s teeth, my mom’s eyes, and cancer genes. Sweet! So I keep laughing. Sometimes for no reason. That sort of fucks with people. I figure, I may get lucky and cancer may come along while I’m laughing, and then I’ll be ready to kick it’s ass.
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Al Rozinski
Aunt Lorraine
Christine Walsh
Lois Archer
Lola Stone
Dory Roberts
Frank Langwa
Jessica Smith
Robert Mitchell
Vera Clock
Joe Martin
Beth Brown
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
(SIDE BY SIDE IN CHAIRS, AS IF IN INFUSION CENTER)
CHRIS: What are you in for?
JOHN: I’m sorry, what?
CHRIS: What kind of cancer do you have?
JOHN: Lymphoma (shows him) you?
CHRIS: Prostate, (starts to show him, thinks again) How long?
JOHN: 4 weeks, 7 treatments to go. You.?
CHRIS: Same.
JOHN: (Pause)
CHRIS: How are you feeling?
JOHN: Sick to my stomach
CHRIS: Yeah, me too.
JOHN: Puking up my dinner
CHRIS: Praying to the porcelain god.
JOHN: Deliver a Copy of the Starr Report to the Porcelain Chamber
CHRIS: Uncivil Forfeiture of the Stroganoff
JOHN: Horizontal Liquid Graffiti
CHRIS: Chemo gift
JOHN: making gravy
CHRIS: it's a perfect 10 on the Linda Blair scale!!!!!
JOHN: Re-Doing Lunch
CHRIS: rewinding dinner
JOHN: Having an oral movement
CHRIS: re-greeting eating
JOHN: recycled meatloaf
CHRIS: downloading
JOHN: uploading
CHRIS: protein spill
JOHN: liquid laugh
CHRIS: spout fruit
JOHN: shout at your shoes
CHRIS: reverse gears
JOHN: the supermodel sound-off
CHRIS: Technicolor yawn
JOHN: Gorking Up The Four Food Groups
CHRIS: Mouth Fart
JOHN: eating backwards
CHRIS: Round Trip Meal Ticket
JOHN: sidewalk food
CHRIS: barfing up a lung
JOHN: Oral Target Practice
CHRIS: Oncologic Offering
JOHN: Here's Ralph! Where's Johnny?
CHRIS: Talking to God on the big white phone!
JOHN: from the stomach, past the gums, look out family here it COMES!
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Naomi Loomis
Marie Geiger
Laura Huffman
Kelsy Mannis
Bill and Helen Bishop
Carol Ulrich
Vera Johnson
Ira Brown
Grandpa Al Windsor
Carole McBride
Donna Burgis
: Josie Chance
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
RACHEL: (HAIR TIED UP IN SCARF AS IF BALD)
I just finished my first six months of having my driver’s license. 6 months since my diagnosis. I missed junior prom last spring. I had a date, this really hot guy that I’ve totally been crushing on since February, but (touches scarf on head) I couldn’t find a dress to match my scarf. Nothing fit right; I’ve lost so much weight. Heck of a diet, huh? And then all I could think about was that I had a garbage bag full of my hair in the bathroom. What hairstyle would possible work for me…. Hey, you know what the greatest thing about chemo is? No more bad hair days!!! So in the end, I didn’t go. But not because of the cancer.
No really, I changed my mind. I had this big science paper due the next week, and I had already missed so much school, I have to keep my grades up so I can get a scholarship for college. I really wanted to go to the dance. My mom went crazy when I told her I wasn’t going. She wants me to live one day at a time. I do. Sort of. I refuse to believe that I won’t be able to go to college. I‘m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. (shakes it off) Ok, ok ok. Today, what am I doing today? Right now, I am kicking Cancer’s ass.
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Bob Eickert
Edward J. Kimball
Kathleen Marshall
Skip
Ed Mansonick
Ivar Peterson
Deb Johnson
George Summersby
Sue March
Becky Taylorson
Mary Cane
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
(TWO CHAIRS, AS IF WATCHING TV)
ZOE: Are you thirsty?
JOHN: No thanks
ZOE: Hungry?
JOHN: Nope
ZOE: Do you feel a draft?
JOHN: I’m good
ZOE: Are you comfortable there? Do you want anther pillow?
JOHN: (irritated) I’m fine
ZOE: I’m sorry,
JOHN: No I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you
ZOE: No, you were right, I’m annoying, I try not to be. Tell me what you need, and
I’ll get it for you.
JOHN: I need you to quit babying me.
ZOE: I’m afraid
JOHN: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re fine. We’re fine. Ok? Ok?
ZOE: Ok.
JOHN: So just treat me like normal, ok? No special treatment we’ll just take things day by day, ok?
ZOE: Ok
JOHN: Now I’m going to watch the rest of the game ok? You don’t have to sit with me.
ZOE: Ok, I’m going into the kitchen for a drink, you sure you don’t want something? (he puts his hand up, smiles) ok. I’ll be right back (exits to “kitchen”, after a beat)
John; can you come in and take out the garbage?
JOHN: But I’m sick!
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life (this continues under the last, and until the end)
Diedre Kent
Bess Chrisman
Linda Allen
CHRIS: I walk because, at least I feel like I’m doing something positive
JAZ: Joe Super
Shirley Simon
Gwen Hunter
JOHN: I walk because I can
JAZ: Rosemary Wefer
Katie Walker
Bonnie Hart Southcott
ZOE: I walk because I’m going to kick cancer’s ass
JAZ: Blythe Cole Bush
Clay Millage
Connie Orfanos
RACHEL: I walk because I’m a survivor
JAZ Alton Grimes
Zachary Bunnell
Julie Nawrocki
Betty Ann Reay
You’re been listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
It went over very well..I was completely exhausted at the end, but very gratified that I had succeeded...
JAZ: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Sparky Finn
Laurie Hart
John Romero
Diane Carsten
Margaret Nel
Robert Klein
Evelyn Polinder
Gene Dunlap
Fred Bannister
Gene Tucker
Grandma Rose
Debbie Tran
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
(RACHEL APPEARING TO HAVE JUST HAD MEDICAL EXAM-CHRIS IN DR. COAT)
RACHEL: I just turned 16. Some people say I look older, some say I look younger. I think it depends on what I’m wearing and if I have makeup on. I just got my driver’s license. Really, I’ll show you. It’s not even the permanent one, it’s that funky black and white one you get while they check to see if you have a criminal record. I guess they also use it to register you for jury duty. I guess that’s if you’re over 18. I’d love to do jury duty, it seems so cool to sit there and listen to people’s stories, and then decide if they’re guilty or innocent, or if they were wronged in some way by the “other guy.” I totally believe in justice. Like if you do something wrong, there has to be a consequence, and if you do good things, then your life is rewarded.
No, I’m not getting all religious on you. I just try to live honestly and ethically, and have faith that I’m living a good life.
Why did I come in? My mom. Ugh. I have all these bruises on my arms and on my calves. I don’t know exactly when they happened, but I told her they were from soccer, but she made me come in anyway, just to get checked out. (CHRIS PUTS HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER, HOLD A BEAT)
I’m sorry what?. (LIGHTS OUT ON RACHEL)
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Lauren Strom
Russ Hardman
Dana Gustafson
Jim Smith
Karen Jackson
Diane Beld
Mary Lund
Ray Barton
Larry Johnson
Darlene Erickson
Virgil Allen
Ronald J. Taylor
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
ZOE: (WITH HANDHELD MIC-DOES NOT HAVE TO BE FUNCTIONAL..AS IF DOING STANDUP COMEDY) Cancer sucks; let’s just get that out of the way. I’d like to kick Cancer in the Ass. I would like to fuck it up. I’ve never fucked up anything before, so I really think that would be cool. Oh wait, I fucked up a Spanish test last year. But it was stupid. It was about sports vocabulary, and I really don’t care about sports. I like to make people laugh. It feels good to laugh, don’t you think. Try it. No really, like this. (laughs, encourages audience to laugh too.-cuts them off) See, feel better? Or do you feel stupid? I’m sorry, what? That’s ok mister, you did look stupid, but that lady over here was watching you, and it made her laugh.
See, that’s the beauty of laughter. It’s healing. So I decided to get cancer before it gets me. See, I just found out that because there is cancer on both sides of my family, it increases my chances of getting it. I got my dad’s teeth, my mom’s eyes, and cancer genes. Sweet! So I keep laughing. Sometimes for no reason. That sort of fucks with people. I figure, I may get lucky and cancer may come along while I’m laughing, and then I’ll be ready to kick it’s ass.
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Al Rozinski
Aunt Lorraine
Christine Walsh
Lois Archer
Lola Stone
Dory Roberts
Frank Langwa
Jessica Smith
Robert Mitchell
Vera Clock
Joe Martin
Beth Brown
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
(SIDE BY SIDE IN CHAIRS, AS IF IN INFUSION CENTER)
CHRIS: What are you in for?
JOHN: I’m sorry, what?
CHRIS: What kind of cancer do you have?
JOHN: Lymphoma (shows him) you?
CHRIS: Prostate, (starts to show him, thinks again) How long?
JOHN: 4 weeks, 7 treatments to go. You.?
CHRIS: Same.
JOHN: (Pause)
CHRIS: How are you feeling?
JOHN: Sick to my stomach
CHRIS: Yeah, me too.
JOHN: Puking up my dinner
CHRIS: Praying to the porcelain god.
JOHN: Deliver a Copy of the Starr Report to the Porcelain Chamber
CHRIS: Uncivil Forfeiture of the Stroganoff
JOHN: Horizontal Liquid Graffiti
CHRIS: Chemo gift
JOHN: making gravy
CHRIS: it's a perfect 10 on the Linda Blair scale!!!!!
JOHN: Re-Doing Lunch
CHRIS: rewinding dinner
JOHN: Having an oral movement
CHRIS: re-greeting eating
JOHN: recycled meatloaf
CHRIS: downloading
JOHN: uploading
CHRIS: protein spill
JOHN: liquid laugh
CHRIS: spout fruit
JOHN: shout at your shoes
CHRIS: reverse gears
JOHN: the supermodel sound-off
CHRIS: Technicolor yawn
JOHN: Gorking Up The Four Food Groups
CHRIS: Mouth Fart
JOHN: eating backwards
CHRIS: Round Trip Meal Ticket
JOHN: sidewalk food
CHRIS: barfing up a lung
JOHN: Oral Target Practice
CHRIS: Oncologic Offering
JOHN: Here's Ralph! Where's Johnny?
CHRIS: Talking to God on the big white phone!
JOHN: from the stomach, past the gums, look out family here it COMES!
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Naomi Loomis
Marie Geiger
Laura Huffman
Kelsy Mannis
Bill and Helen Bishop
Carol Ulrich
Vera Johnson
Ira Brown
Grandpa Al Windsor
Carole McBride
Donna Burgis
: Josie Chance
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
RACHEL: (HAIR TIED UP IN SCARF AS IF BALD)
I just finished my first six months of having my driver’s license. 6 months since my diagnosis. I missed junior prom last spring. I had a date, this really hot guy that I’ve totally been crushing on since February, but (touches scarf on head) I couldn’t find a dress to match my scarf. Nothing fit right; I’ve lost so much weight. Heck of a diet, huh? And then all I could think about was that I had a garbage bag full of my hair in the bathroom. What hairstyle would possible work for me…. Hey, you know what the greatest thing about chemo is? No more bad hair days!!! So in the end, I didn’t go. But not because of the cancer.
No really, I changed my mind. I had this big science paper due the next week, and I had already missed so much school, I have to keep my grades up so I can get a scholarship for college. I really wanted to go to the dance. My mom went crazy when I told her I wasn’t going. She wants me to live one day at a time. I do. Sort of. I refuse to believe that I won’t be able to go to college. I‘m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. (shakes it off) Ok, ok ok. Today, what am I doing today? Right now, I am kicking Cancer’s ass.
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Bob Eickert
Edward J. Kimball
Kathleen Marshall
Skip
Ed Mansonick
Ivar Peterson
Deb Johnson
George Summersby
Sue March
Becky Taylorson
Mary Cane
You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
(TWO CHAIRS, AS IF WATCHING TV)
ZOE: Are you thirsty?
JOHN: No thanks
ZOE: Hungry?
JOHN: Nope
ZOE: Do you feel a draft?
JOHN: I’m good
ZOE: Are you comfortable there? Do you want anther pillow?
JOHN: (irritated) I’m fine
ZOE: I’m sorry,
JOHN: No I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you
ZOE: No, you were right, I’m annoying, I try not to be. Tell me what you need, and
I’ll get it for you.
JOHN: I need you to quit babying me.
ZOE: I’m afraid
JOHN: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re fine. We’re fine. Ok? Ok?
ZOE: Ok.
JOHN: So just treat me like normal, ok? No special treatment we’ll just take things day by day, ok?
ZOE: Ok
JOHN: Now I’m going to watch the rest of the game ok? You don’t have to sit with me.
ZOE: Ok, I’m going into the kitchen for a drink, you sure you don’t want something? (he puts his hand up, smiles) ok. I’ll be right back (exits to “kitchen”, after a beat)
John; can you come in and take out the garbage?
JOHN: But I’m sick!
Jaz: You’re listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life (this continues under the last, and until the end)
Diedre Kent
Bess Chrisman
Linda Allen
CHRIS: I walk because, at least I feel like I’m doing something positive
JAZ: Joe Super
Shirley Simon
Gwen Hunter
JOHN: I walk because I can
JAZ: Rosemary Wefer
Katie Walker
Bonnie Hart Southcott
ZOE: I walk because I’m going to kick cancer’s ass
JAZ: Blythe Cole Bush
Clay Millage
Connie Orfanos
RACHEL: I walk because I’m a survivor
JAZ Alton Grimes
Zachary Bunnell
Julie Nawrocki
Betty Ann Reay
You’re been listening to the reading of some of the names from the Relay for Life
Saturday, July 14, 2007
4 into 48
The amount of hours I have slept in the past 48 averages to one every 12, which really isn't enough for someone at my advanced stage of life. Here is the script I wrote based on the theme "I'm never doing that again." I'll post today's later on.
HARRY POTTER MUST DIE
WRITTEN BY MARLA BRONSTEIN
DIRECTED BY SHAWN FULLER
JK ROWLING TERI GRIMES
DANIEL/HARRY at 25 CHRIS BALLOU
RUPERT/RON at 25 JOHN HIEBERT
CRAZED FAN ZOE BRONSTEIN
TECH JAZ OKURA-YOUTSEY
JK Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, wizards and muggles, welcome to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre for the movie opening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the “final” of my well respected and incredibly financially successful series of Harry Potter. Yes, I am the incredible JK Rowling. (waves in applause) Now, put your hands together for two of your favorite warlocks, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.
HARRY AND RON ENTER IN FULL WIZARD REGALIA, AND BOW ACCORDINGLY
FAN (PLANTED IN AUDIENCE - WAVING) I love you Harry, I love you Ron. Where’s Hermione?
HARRY (WAVING) Thank you all for coming today, we’re so pleased to see you all
FAN Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Where’s Hermione?
RON Yes well, I’m also happy to have you all here, and I’m sure I’m not ruining the plot for anyone if I tell you that I’m relieved my character finally gets to….
FAN: (WAVING) Ron Weasly, Ron, Hi Hi, Where’s Hermione?
JK: Hermione, I mean Emma Watson, had a previous commitment and regrets she cannot be here.
RON Yeah, the remake of “Taxi Driver.”
JK: Little Trollop that she is
HARRY Hang on there, you’d got to give her that she’s broken out of the character mold.
JK: Bloody Hell, that little ingrate, I made that little bitch and this is the thanks I get. Now why couldn’t she be more like you Daniel, you went off and became a well respected stage actor.
HARRY And that was with my clothes off!
FAN: (WAVING) Woo hoo, Take it off Harry, (CHANTS) Equus!!! Equus!!
HARRY That girl is bloody mad.
JK: Young lady, either you refrain from further outbursts or I shall have you forcibly removed from this theatre.
HARRY Wait JK, I know how to deal with birds like this....Miss? Miss?
FAN: Me? Are YOU talking to ME? Oh. My. God. I’m going to vomit.
HARRY Yes Miss, would you mind ever so much to keep it down a bit so we can finish this introduction, and when we’re done perhaps I can show you a thing or two with my wand…
FAN: (Laughs, uncomfortably, uncontrollably, then quiet)
JAZ: (FROM THE BOOTH) Stop stop stop, I can’t stand this shit ANYMORE! (COMING TO THE STAGE AREA) Jesus, How many beers does a person need to drink to swallow this Harry Potter adoration shit?! I swear to God, If I see one more person with a lighting bolt, a magic wand, or a stuffed white owl, I will fucking go postal on his ass.
JK: Excuse me, you Hate Harry Potter? Why my child, how could you Hate Harry Potter. Everyone Loves Harry. Presidents. Teachers. Parents. Children. Ministers.
RON Not all ministers.
JK: Shut up Grint, you’ll never work in this town again
RON Sorry.
JK: Do I need to remind you that I dreamed up this story while I was a single mother on welfare. Just me, and my child, living from hand to mouth. Not knowing where our next meal would come from, where we would lay our heads to rest that night…
JK-HARRY-RON (together) And then Harry Potter came to me whilst at my deepest darkest moment, and here we are today.
RON Billions of dollars richer
JK: Shut up.
RON Sorry
JAZ: Gimmie a fucking break lady, like anyone with half a brain doesn’t know that Harry Potter is the English version of Rocky Balboa. The only thing I hate more than a sequel to a bad movie is a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh sequel. Just kill Harry off already and put the world out of its misery.
JK: Look, up there in the light booth
JAZ: What the fuck (JK KNOCKS JAZ OUT, LAYS HER UPSTAGE)
JK: Now, where were we…ah yes, we were talking about this movie based upon my book, the final installment of the Harry Potter series
RON Hello what, final? I just signed a six year contract with you. What on earth was that for?
JK: I own Ron Weasly, or shall I say, I own YOU. The contract says in fine 3 point type, that for the next six years, If I so much as fart out an idea that suggests the character of Ron Weasley, you will be available to create that character for print, film, any video game platform, Japanese Anime and, Microsoft’s brain chip implant, expected to be available at a Best Buy near you at the after Thanksgiving sale this year. Get in line now.
RON Bloody Hell
JK: Ron, you know you need to watch your language. It’s in your contract.
RON (POINTING WAND AT JK) Petrificus Totalus! (SHE FALLS TO FLOOR AND FREEZES. SHE CAN MOVE HER EYES ONLY)
HARRY: JK. JK.. Rupe, what have you done?
RON I I I don’t know, I couldn’t control myself. It’s like someone else was controlling me. After all these years, all those humiliations, all those stupid goofy looks on camera. It’s like it was time. You know?
HARRY: Yeah man, it’s like she said. Rocky Balboa
RON Eh Dan, to be honest, I don’t know what that means.
HARRY: Rocky Balboa, the boxer played by Sylvester Stallone.
RON That actor who was frozen after the sixth Potter movie came out in 2015?
HARRY: So he could come back in 2076 and make the 10th sequel for the 100th anniversary.
RON Right, I do remember. Bloody hell, what’s to become of us Dan?
HARRY: I think of you more like Mr. Bean, while I am the Anthony Hopkins of our generation.
RON Help me?
HARRY: Well, I shouldn’t, but what the hell. All right, we’ll start slow. We’ve already tackled Comedy
RON I just flew in on my dad’s car, and boy am I tired. Get it? Tired.
HARRY: OK, lets move on to suspense
RON Harry! What’s behind that door?
HARRY: Action
RON Harry, careful of that golden snitch!
HARRY: Horror
RON Bloody hell, there are a million spiders!!
HARRY: Drama
RON What will you do now Harry?
HARRY: Romance
RON Hermione (HARRY SLAPS RON) Sorry. What’s left?
RON- HARRY: A musical
HARRY: Hit it maestro!
What do you get when you fall in love?
A bird with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
RON: What do you get when you kiss a gal?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
After you do, she'll never phone you.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
BOTH: Don't tell me what is all about,
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out,
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you
(JAZ COMES TO AS THEY SING TOGETHER, BY THE END OF THE CHORUS, SHE IS SCREAMING TO THE BOOTH, LIGHTS FULL)
HARRY: Well, that was different
RON Yeah
HARRY: How do you feel?
RON Like I’m king of the world
HARRY: No more Moldy Ron Weasly
RON No more moldy Harry Potter
HARRY: Hey
RON Well, not that there ever was
HARRY: Right. So, you wanna sing another song?
RON Hell no, I’m never doing that again. (LIGHTS OUT)
HARRY POTTER MUST DIE
WRITTEN BY MARLA BRONSTEIN
DIRECTED BY SHAWN FULLER
JK ROWLING TERI GRIMES
DANIEL/HARRY at 25 CHRIS BALLOU
RUPERT/RON at 25 JOHN HIEBERT
CRAZED FAN ZOE BRONSTEIN
TECH JAZ OKURA-YOUTSEY
JK Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, wizards and muggles, welcome to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre for the movie opening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the “final” of my well respected and incredibly financially successful series of Harry Potter. Yes, I am the incredible JK Rowling. (waves in applause) Now, put your hands together for two of your favorite warlocks, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.
HARRY AND RON ENTER IN FULL WIZARD REGALIA, AND BOW ACCORDINGLY
FAN (PLANTED IN AUDIENCE - WAVING) I love you Harry, I love you Ron. Where’s Hermione?
HARRY (WAVING) Thank you all for coming today, we’re so pleased to see you all
FAN Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Where’s Hermione?
RON Yes well, I’m also happy to have you all here, and I’m sure I’m not ruining the plot for anyone if I tell you that I’m relieved my character finally gets to….
FAN: (WAVING) Ron Weasly, Ron, Hi Hi, Where’s Hermione?
JK: Hermione, I mean Emma Watson, had a previous commitment and regrets she cannot be here.
RON Yeah, the remake of “Taxi Driver.”
JK: Little Trollop that she is
HARRY Hang on there, you’d got to give her that she’s broken out of the character mold.
JK: Bloody Hell, that little ingrate, I made that little bitch and this is the thanks I get. Now why couldn’t she be more like you Daniel, you went off and became a well respected stage actor.
HARRY And that was with my clothes off!
FAN: (WAVING) Woo hoo, Take it off Harry, (CHANTS) Equus!!! Equus!!
HARRY That girl is bloody mad.
JK: Young lady, either you refrain from further outbursts or I shall have you forcibly removed from this theatre.
HARRY Wait JK, I know how to deal with birds like this....Miss? Miss?
FAN: Me? Are YOU talking to ME? Oh. My. God. I’m going to vomit.
HARRY Yes Miss, would you mind ever so much to keep it down a bit so we can finish this introduction, and when we’re done perhaps I can show you a thing or two with my wand…
FAN: (Laughs, uncomfortably, uncontrollably, then quiet)
JAZ: (FROM THE BOOTH) Stop stop stop, I can’t stand this shit ANYMORE! (COMING TO THE STAGE AREA) Jesus, How many beers does a person need to drink to swallow this Harry Potter adoration shit?! I swear to God, If I see one more person with a lighting bolt, a magic wand, or a stuffed white owl, I will fucking go postal on his ass.
JK: Excuse me, you Hate Harry Potter? Why my child, how could you Hate Harry Potter. Everyone Loves Harry. Presidents. Teachers. Parents. Children. Ministers.
RON Not all ministers.
JK: Shut up Grint, you’ll never work in this town again
RON Sorry.
JK: Do I need to remind you that I dreamed up this story while I was a single mother on welfare. Just me, and my child, living from hand to mouth. Not knowing where our next meal would come from, where we would lay our heads to rest that night…
JK-HARRY-RON (together) And then Harry Potter came to me whilst at my deepest darkest moment, and here we are today.
RON Billions of dollars richer
JK: Shut up.
RON Sorry
JAZ: Gimmie a fucking break lady, like anyone with half a brain doesn’t know that Harry Potter is the English version of Rocky Balboa. The only thing I hate more than a sequel to a bad movie is a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh sequel. Just kill Harry off already and put the world out of its misery.
JK: Look, up there in the light booth
JAZ: What the fuck (JK KNOCKS JAZ OUT, LAYS HER UPSTAGE)
JK: Now, where were we…ah yes, we were talking about this movie based upon my book, the final installment of the Harry Potter series
RON Hello what, final? I just signed a six year contract with you. What on earth was that for?
JK: I own Ron Weasly, or shall I say, I own YOU. The contract says in fine 3 point type, that for the next six years, If I so much as fart out an idea that suggests the character of Ron Weasley, you will be available to create that character for print, film, any video game platform, Japanese Anime and, Microsoft’s brain chip implant, expected to be available at a Best Buy near you at the after Thanksgiving sale this year. Get in line now.
RON Bloody Hell
JK: Ron, you know you need to watch your language. It’s in your contract.
RON (POINTING WAND AT JK) Petrificus Totalus! (SHE FALLS TO FLOOR AND FREEZES. SHE CAN MOVE HER EYES ONLY)
HARRY: JK. JK.. Rupe, what have you done?
RON I I I don’t know, I couldn’t control myself. It’s like someone else was controlling me. After all these years, all those humiliations, all those stupid goofy looks on camera. It’s like it was time. You know?
HARRY: Yeah man, it’s like she said. Rocky Balboa
RON Eh Dan, to be honest, I don’t know what that means.
HARRY: Rocky Balboa, the boxer played by Sylvester Stallone.
RON That actor who was frozen after the sixth Potter movie came out in 2015?
HARRY: So he could come back in 2076 and make the 10th sequel for the 100th anniversary.
RON Right, I do remember. Bloody hell, what’s to become of us Dan?
HARRY: I think of you more like Mr. Bean, while I am the Anthony Hopkins of our generation.
RON Help me?
HARRY: Well, I shouldn’t, but what the hell. All right, we’ll start slow. We’ve already tackled Comedy
RON I just flew in on my dad’s car, and boy am I tired. Get it? Tired.
HARRY: OK, lets move on to suspense
RON Harry! What’s behind that door?
HARRY: Action
RON Harry, careful of that golden snitch!
HARRY: Horror
RON Bloody hell, there are a million spiders!!
HARRY: Drama
RON What will you do now Harry?
HARRY: Romance
RON Hermione (HARRY SLAPS RON) Sorry. What’s left?
RON- HARRY: A musical
HARRY: Hit it maestro!
What do you get when you fall in love?
A bird with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
RON: What do you get when you kiss a gal?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
After you do, she'll never phone you.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
BOTH: Don't tell me what is all about,
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out,
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you
(JAZ COMES TO AS THEY SING TOGETHER, BY THE END OF THE CHORUS, SHE IS SCREAMING TO THE BOOTH, LIGHTS FULL)
HARRY: Well, that was different
RON Yeah
HARRY: How do you feel?
RON Like I’m king of the world
HARRY: No more Moldy Ron Weasly
RON No more moldy Harry Potter
HARRY: Hey
RON Well, not that there ever was
HARRY: Right. So, you wanna sing another song?
RON Hell no, I’m never doing that again. (LIGHTS OUT)
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Scooterville
The only problem with this commentary is that Keith Olbermann used words too big for W to understand. Do you think he has an interpreter to help him understand what's on TV, or is there someone's hand up his ass moving him like a puppet???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-aRgFBDQp4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-aRgFBDQp4
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